Lost My Mind
by howdoievenenglish
Summary: Gamzee Makara has strange, recurring night terrors. When he meets someone new, will he be able to keep them a secret? What if his nightmares start to bleed into his personal life? What will Tavros think? Gamzee has always been different, but what if this sends him over the edge? For Tavros, what will life be like when turned upside down? Humanstuck AU.
1. Introduction

He ran. That was all he could do in this type of situation. Even if it was useless anyway. He had had this dream before, many times in fact, but that didn't make his terror any less real. It didn't make the bloody corpses everywhere any less haunting. His pulse was racing as he made his way through the streets, the one that never seemed to change. Everything was too monochromatic, too similar; the buildings had no windows or doors and were the same shade of white, the same height and width. The roads were just as plain as the skyscrapers that seemed to stretch beyond the pallid sky. In short, everything was blank. Tasteless. Whatever people there had been were now just lifeless cadavers, whose brutal murders had left them covered in their own blood. The sad thing, the boy thought bitterly to himself, was that the scenery was still as colorless as ever.

He knew he was the only one left. And the thing that had caused their untimely end was coming for him. He turned a corner and leaned against the building, closing his eyes and trying to catch his breath.

A shadow loomed over him and he opened his eyes in horror. The figure was largely human, save for long horns that curved near their bases and razor sharp teeth. His irises seemed to glow red, which only added to the appearance of a madman given by his strange makeup and wild hair. It grinned, its mouth never moving as he spoke.

"You see this? You see what you did, Gamzee?"

Here the boy closed his eyes once more and grasped his head in a futile attempt to drive the creature's voice out of it. He said "no" over and over, the very thought of being responsible for someone's end terrifying him.

"This was because of you. If only you would accept it, accept _me_, then you could stop their suffering. Do you hear their cries, Gamzee?"

And he did. The boy imagined could hear faint laments, could feel their anguish in his bones. He wanted to scream but knew if he tried he could not manage even a whisper. _Accept what? I couldn't have done this._

The chuckle that escaped the beast's throat seemed to reverberate throughout the entire cityscape. "Don't be stupid, Gamzee. You know what you are. You know that we are the same. Two halves of one whole. I am simply the half that has embraced his insanity, has let go of foolish inhibitions. You know you have always been strange. You aren't meant to be sane. Let go of your sanity, Makara."

The boy began to slip out of his dream as faint, shrill chirps grew louder and louder. Echoes of "Let go of your sanity, Makara" followed him until he opened his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**a/n: I really hope I did well with this chapter. I feel like I didn't. **

**If you have any questions, then hopefully the next chapter will answer them!**

**Anyway, I hope you all like it.**

**P.S. I didn't write Sollux's sentence with a lisp (as in "go thcrew yourthelf") because I find things like that harder to read than if I just typed it normally. **

The man woke up in a cold sweat, heart pounding against his ribcage. He felt as though someone had ripped the air from his lungs as a harsh, uncontrollable shaking overtook his entire body. Gamzee could still feel that terror, white and hot and debilitating, flow through his veins. This was only one of his many recurring nightmares, but it still haunted him just as much as the rest. He wasn't sure why they kept reappearing, but something deep inside him told him they were all involved with his actions in another life, an alternate universe perhaps. Ah, who was he kidding, that was a stupid idea.

Once Gamzee could bring his trembling under control, he climbed out of bed and flipped open his mobile phone. Two missed calls from Equius, one from Eridan. Something must have happened at the bar, he figured; the latter of the two men only called when there was a problem in his life, and the former would force himself to talk to Gamzee every so often, usually once every two weeks. It hadn't been two weeks since Equius last called. Both of them calling in the same day would never happen, unless something had happened to the establishment.

The phone vibrated. That was Equius. Gamzee answered with a cheerful: "Hey, motherfucker!"

A pause; Equius was likely scowling on the other end. "I really wish you would stop using such lewd language, at least when talking to me."

Gamzee laughed, running a hand through the back of his hair. "Right, sorry."

"Don't tell me you've already started wasting away your entire day smoking."

"Haha, nah, bro. You caught me before I could do anything; I just woke up."

"Ugh. Why must you poison your mind with that trash? Disgusting."

Gamzee shrugged, even though he knew Equius could not see it. "It helps with the terrors, man."

Another pause, and a soft sigh followed by a voice weighed down with guilt. "I thought you would have grown out of them by now."

The clown smiled. Equius was a bit rough around the edges, but every once in a while he'd show his soft side. At least when it came to his younger sibling he would. "Same here, brother."

"… Right. Well. I must be going soon, forgive me."

" 'Kay. What'd you all up and call me for, bro? Y'know, besides wanting to hear your favorite younger brother's voice."

"You're my only younger brother."

Apparently, Equius did not understand flippant comments. Or he chose not to play games. Either way, it was entertaining. When it became obvious that the other wouldn't respond, Equius cleared his throat, uncomfortable. "Ah, I almost forgot. We need help setting up the lights for the entertainment tonight. Eridan refuses to touch them, afraid he'll get electrocuted like when he was thirteen. And, well, I can't afford to break any more stage lights; it gets expensive."

"Say no more, motherfucker, I'm on my way."

Equius breathed out a heavy sigh before a beep and dial tone notified Gamzee that he had hung up. He never could stand to talk to the clown any more than he felt he needed to. The thought bothered Gamzee a bit, but he let it go. He couldn't be making everybody happy all the time. That's just crazy.

Gamzee stepped into the building to be greeted with a wail of mixed emotions and two arms wrapping tightly around his waist. That was Eridan. "Oh, Gam, it's terrible! The lights need to be fixed and Eq has been tryin' a make me do it—" a quick harsh glance over to Equius—"because that brute is too much of a beefcake to go an' do it himself."

Gamzee smiled and gently pried Eridan's arms off of him. "Yeah one second, just let me say hi to my fucking best friend first."

The clown walked to the other side of the room where the band was setting up and testing their equipment. He stopped in front of Karkat, who was too busy fiddling with his bass to notice him straightaway.

"Hey hey, my brother." The elder grinned, waving a bit. The shorter of the two cursed as his finger slipped and struck a note on the instrument.

"What, are you high or something?" Karkat growled in annoyance.

Gamzee raised an eyebrow, still grinning.

"Oh right. You always are."

Gamzee laughed and clapped the younger man on the back. "Well, I've got to help Equius and Eridan before they start killing each other."

Karkat still hadn't lifted his dark eyes from the bass guitar. His expression changed from irritated to downright frustrated. "How can you deal with those buttmunchers? God, Equius is a bigger douche than I am, and that's saying something. God damn it!" He had broken a string in his frantic attempt to… well, Gamzee wasn't quite sure what Karkat was trying to do. Tune it maybe? Although if you break a string when tuning your instrument, you're doing it a bit too roughly. You needed to have patience to get it right. And Karkat wasn't exactly the patient type.

He was entertaining to watch, if nothing else. On the outside, he was tough, but deep down he was surprisingly sweet. Kind of sappy, but that's cool too. But Karkat would only let his inner self show when watching his romcoms. Gamzee guessed that it was because they allowed him an escape, which he desperately needed. But the kid would never admit anything like that to his best friend unless emotionally vulnerable. The man with the painted face smiled and shook his head. His angry friend was one unorthodox dude. He liked that about him.

"Karkles!" came a voice that was approaching rapidly. A girl with short, shaggy hair threw her arms around Karkat's neck. She had a troublesome smirk and red-tinted sunglasses on her face. A frustrated grunt escaped Karkat's lips. "What do you want this time, Terezi?" Gamzee smiled as he observed a soft pink blush appear on the boy's cheeks.

"Geez, Karkat, do you always have to be so grumpy?"

"Yes," he growled back.

When she let go of him, a boy with red and blue lenses went to lean on Karkat's shoulder. He was taller than the other two but his slouching made it appear as though he were shorter. "KK, you should calm down. Then maybe you wouldn't be breaking all your strings." He had a serious lisp.

"Go screw yourself, Captor."

"Love to. But we got a show to do."

"God, you're gross. You two, just stay away from me. At least until we finish the damn gig."

"Nah, I think I like torturing you too much. Maybe TZ will go away, though, if you ask her nicely. TZ?"

Terezi grinned and poked Karkat's cheek. "Nope."

"Fuck off, you douchemuffins."

"We love you too, KK."

Gamzee was tempted to join in on the teasing, but he was sure if he did, his best friend would blow a gasket. Fortunately, the last member of the band approached to intervene. "Guys, oh my cod. This is not cool."

The guy named Captor snorted. "Did you just say 'cod'?"

Karkat seemed to be relieved that someone was trying to lighten his emotional burden. "Urgh. Thanks, Feferi."

The clown realized he had been too mesmerized by the conversation to help either his best friend or his older brothers. He just found other people's personalities so interesting.

"Oh hey, best friend, you need me to all up and get you anything?"

Karkat stepped forward, apparently shocked Gamzee hadn't said anything sooner. "You're asking _now_? Gah, you know what, forget it. There's a spare string in my apartment."

"Ah, I'll go up and get it, bro. No worries. I just gotta go tell Equius that I'll be back in a sec."

"Don't get fucking lost this time, dipshit."

Gamzee lifted a dismissive hand and turned on his heel to walk away. "Haha, I won't.

Gamzee had driven to Karkat's apartment, unlocked the door with his pare key – Karkat had given him a spare since he visited so many times for movie nights and such— taken the string from the shelf (Karkat had probably left it there and forgotten it in his excitement), drove back to the bar, set up the stage lights with as much care as he could muster with Equius rushing him, calmed both Eridan's and Karkat's nerves, and found himself a nice seat to watch the band's performance. Gamzee noticed that his best friend had insane amounts of stagefright— so much it was bananas— but once he was on stage, he was perfectly fine. Comfortable, in fact. It was miraculous to watch.

Terezi was sticking out her tongue while she focused on pounding on the drums (Eridan had once said there was nothing hotter than a girl who could wail on an instrument like she did). Sollux was nodding his head in time with the rhythm, obviously loving his spot as lead guitarist. Karkat seemed to have lost himself, his attention only on his instrument and the sound it produced— his eyes lit up and for once his face looked peaceful, it was truly magical the way all of his usual troubles seemed to melt away while he was on stage. Feferi was singing about heartbreak, her expression and voice matching the lyrics in perfect harmony. The sound was magical too. Gamzee closed his eyes to immerse himself in the music. He allowed the pulsating beat flow from the speakers directly into his veins to synch up with his heartbeat. The music aided Feferi's vocals in painting an image in Gamzee's head: one with vivid colors, telling of heartache, longing, and new love. The clown could have stayed in that position all night, unwittingly tapping his finger on his knee, completely engrossed in the music. However, something else happened.

Tavros entered the bar, a bit nervous if he was being completely honest with himself. Then again, he was always a bit nervous around his lifelong friend Vriska, although he would do his best not to show it. The girl with raven hair was angry with him, spouting about how they were late because he had too much trouble with stairs and how much of an idiot did he have to be to not be able to walk up stairs easily, see it's like this, and so on and so forth. The music was already playing loudly and the room was littered with people Tavros didn't know very well at all. That was fine, though. He liked to meet new people. Vriska wandered off somewhere and Tavros took the chance to take a seat. His prosthetic legs were beginning to bother him a bit.

The young man slowed his pace when seeing a painted face. It looked somehow vaguely familiar, although he couldn't put his finger on it. It would be bothering him all night if he couldn't figure out who it was. These thoughts were quickly discarded as Tavros realized how attractive that man was. His feet froze and he tried to come up with a usable excuse for sitting next to him. There were plenty of empty tables, so he would look suspicious if he just sat down and said there weren't any available seats. Could he use his disability as an excuse? No, that was too much. Tavros jumped when he felt someone smack him on the back of the head.

"Uh, Vriska, that was kind of uncalled for," he said as he turned to face her.

"Uncalled for, are you kidding? You keep staring at that hunk in the purple over there! Go on, be brave. Like Peter Pan or something, I don't know."

"Peter Pan has a lot more self-confidence than I do, plus, he can fly—"

"Then go! Pretend you can fly with pixie dust or something! Just don't stand here like an idiot gawking at him. Fly, Peter, fly!"

Someone then fell into the clown's lap, breaking his dreamlike trance.

"Oh." Gamzee grinned, amused. "Hey, motherfucker."

Big brown eyes stared back at him, startled. "Uh. S-sorry. I'm still getting used to my prosthetic legs."

"Prosthetic legs, huh?"

"Well, uh. It's more because my friend pushed me than anything."

Gamzee chuckled softly. "I like your mohawk. It's cute."

The boy must have realized he was still sitting in the man's lap because he immediately scrambled to stand to his feet with a light pink tinting his skin. He was adorable.

"Thanks." He stuck out his hand for the other to shake. "I'm Tavros Nitram."

The dark-haired man shook his hand. "Gamzee motherfuckin' Makara."

The clown smiled at Tavros. "You know, you can still sit here if you want," he teased.

Tavros ignored his comment but pointed to the empty seat next to him. "Is anyone sitting there?" When the other shook his head and motioned for him to take it, the brunette sat. He and Gamzee chatted for a while, having to raise their voices over the music and repeat themselves multiple times. They talked about hobbies, prices of certain things, such as rent and incense, humorous anecdotes involving hot-tempered friends and innocent bystanders. If the music hadn't been loud enough to partially drown out the sound of their laughter, they would have attracted attention from even the farthest corners of the room. When Gamzee felt adventurous enough, he grinned and winked at Tavros, who looked away. The brunette wasn't quite sure how to feel about that. He pretended he didn't see it.

"Ooh, Tavros, he is _cute_."

The man turned his head to see a raven-haired girl approach the table. He looked questioningly at the brunette.

"Oh, uh. Gamzee, this is Vriska. Vriska, Gamzee."

The dark-haired man stood. "Nice to all up and meet you," he greeted warmly. Vriska pulled up a chair from a different table and sat next to Tavros. For a split second, Gamzee thought he felt his heart stop. "So, how do you motherfuckers know each other?"

He directed the question at the brunette, but apparently his answer didn't come fast enough.

"That's easy. We're best friends," Vriska beamed, in a tone that Gamzee wasn't sure was serious or not.

Tavros tentatively added, "Uh, Vriska's sister plays the drums, so we wanted to come. Well, she did and she dragged me along, but I don't mind."

Gamzee smirked. "That's pretty chill, bro. My best friend is all up and playin' the bass. Look at him up there, all rockin' the stage and shit."

Tavros and Gamzee proceeded to talk until everyone but Equius left (the man would always stay as late as his customers wanted, to make sure he would keep them all happy; he never liked throwing people out much anymore, as a few instances in the past led to somebody getting hurt). When a lull in their conversation finally appeared, Tavros looked around. "Oh, uh. I guess Vriska just… uh. Left without me."

The clown winked at him again, but he wasn't sure the brunette saw it. "Need me to give you a ride home, bro?"

The entire time in the car, Tavros was quiet. He was staring out the window, unseeing, letting a certain memory play in his mind. This was one particular memory he thoroughly enjoyed, and he never forgot it.

He and another boy, whom Tavros had never seen after that day, decided this would be the day they made the most of the world. They were both young, too young to know what they were doing, but it still felt like more than a friendship.

_The two of them would go into the woods and explore, like young children do, pick flowers for one another, and at one moment, the other boy planted a peck on Tavros' sun-kissed cheek. _

_Tavros had always vaguely remembered that day; the sun, only just beginning to set, had cast a golden-orange glow over the trees that seemed to stretch on for miles. The boy felt like anything and everything that day was his; all of the things that were just so right seemed to be reserved for him, and for the one that he was so close to. _

_The backyard that their parents allowed them to lose themselves in appeared to reach right into the horizon, like a vast ocean which consisted mainly of foliage and rocks. Both boys held onto each other's hand as though they were afraid if one of them was crazy enough to loosen their grip even slightly, the other might slip through their fingers and the beautiful fantasy would be lost forever. Tavros was sure that most of the buttercups his love had placed ever so gently in his hair and shirt pockets had fallen out while they were running, but he didn't care. He allowed laughter to bubble up from deep within and escape his lips until he and the other boy stopped running, collapsed into the tall grass, and took in the sweet scent of summer. A light breeze flowed across the landscape and the leaves on the trees rustled as they brushed against each other. The boy reveled for a moment in the way the soft grass brushed against his limbs._

_Upon realizing he was no longer being held onto, Tavros frantically searched the tall grass for that soft, warm hand._

"_Tavros?"_

_The brunette settled, now relaxing into the indentation he had left in the grass. "Yeah?"_

"_You're like my little brother," the other replied dreamily. "Only better, kind of. A more special bro. Y'know?"_

_Tavros smiled as his heart soared. He understood exactly what the other boy meant. Staring up into the beautiful sky, he truly felt like the world was his. "I feel that way too."_

_The two grabbed each other's hand once more and lay in silence for a long time, not needing words to fill the void. It was comfortable. It was magical. It was a once-in-a-lifetime moment that lasted the entire day. And it was theirs._

_The sky seemed to spell out exactly how amazing that day was, how beautifully pure and simple, every wonderful moment a different color. Tavros believed that the different colors were reserved for different people that were having similar once-in-a-lifetime experiences. He imagined his color was the orange and the other boy's was the blue-ish purple near the end of the spectrum that spanned across the sky. _

_Eventually they stood to their feet, and the other inched closer shyly. He said, "My older brother said he tried to kiss a girl one time but she didn't let him."_

"_Kiss?"_

"_But you'll let me kiss you, right?" _

_Tavros had no idea what a kiss even was, let alone whether he wanted one or not. But when he looked into those intense violet eyes, he knew deep down that he would be fine with whatever the other wanted to do. _

"_Okay. Go ahead."_

_At Tavros' words, the boy smiled from ear to ear, licked his lips sloppily like he had seen his eldest brother do multiple times, and touched his lips softly to Tavros' cheek. The brunette felt his heart flutter in his chest and his stomach felt strange, but he was sure that as long as they were together, they would be all right._

Gamzee slowed to a stop outside of Tavros' apartment. "Hey, man, you okay? You were all up and motherfucking quiet the entire drive."

That appeared to snap the boy out of his daydream. "Uh, yeah. Thanks for the ride."

Before he could get out of the car, the clown decided to take a chance and wrote his number down on a small slip of paper. As Tavros began to slip out of the vehicle, Gamzee asked him to wait and leaned over, holding the paper out for him to take. "It's my number, bro," he explained. To his delight, the brunette took the piece of paper and stuttered out a "Thank you." Which wasn't necessary, of course, but it was really cute.

That night, Gamzee dreamed a nice dream. It was a rather lovely one, in fact. It told a story of the man's long-lost (although never forgotten) childhood friend. No, friend wasn't exactly the right word. In any case, he was a sweetheart with big brown eyes and a smile that could make you go weak at the knees. Most of the memory was a blur but he could remember very clearly the parts he had loved the most. One such part was when the boy let Gamzee kiss him on the cheek.


	3. Chapter 3

Tavros wasn't exactly sure why he had accepted the man's number. It was strange, but there was a bit of an odd familiarity about him. Which was even stranger, of course, because the brunette was sure if he had met Gamzee before, he would have remembered him. He was too unique to forget, too funny to ignore. Tavros could have sworn he had felt his heart skip a beat as he was thinking about him. But that was preposterous; he barely knew the guy. Though he felt like he had known him forever.

Unconsciously, the brunette bit his lip and furrowed his eyebrows. Why should he care this much, anyway? He didn't, obviously. It was stupid to think he did! He was just a little thrown because he wasn't used to being hit on. Or getting a guy's number. So he was a bit nervous. He hadn't dated a guy in a long time! That was it. He put the little slip of paper on the coffee table in the center of the room and sighed to himself, preparing for bed.

Tavros lay awake, staring up at the ceiling. He glanced over at his prosthetic legs – he had lost his legs from about mid-calf down about a year before – he had gotten into a car with Vriska, who had just gotten her driver's license and she had been speeding and barely noticed the stop sign. She couldn't stop the car in time, resulting in an accident. Tavros woke up with a concussion and no feeling in his toes. Vriska had apologized profusely and demanded he use the prosthetic legs her friend had built (she wouldn't say who it was), because he would be so dreadfully _boring_ if he didn't. Tavros didn't mind much either way, so he agreed to use the prosthetic legs. He still hadn't fully gotten used to them. He wondered if he ever would.

He turned his attention back to the ceiling. A memory rose to the front of his mind. It was another from his childhood. This time, however, it was an unhappy one.

_Tavros was young, too small for his feet to reach the ground when he sat in a chair. He swung his legs and his skinny calves hit the cushions of the couch he was sitting in. His favorite book was open on his lap, too big and slightly too heavy for him. He was still learning how to read in school, so he wasn't too familiar with all of the words, but that was fine. He could still understand most of it so that was a good thing. He hummed softly to himself – sure, he wasn't the best singer, but he liked to hum when he was reading a good book. And this was a really good one. He imagined what it would be like to be the main character in the story, Peter Pan. What would it be like to fly, to know you never had to grow old?_

_The door opened with a soft click. The boy looked over to see his mother. The door slid to a close behind her and the familiar 'clack-clack' of her heels echoed off the nearly-completely-bare walls. The only things in the living room of their new apartment were a couch, a TV across from it, and a couple of boxes they still needed to unpack._

_Tavros quickly turned back to his book. She wasn't supposed to be home yet. She never came home this early. She was mumbling about her job and her boss, curing almost every other word. The brunette took a chance and looked over at her again. Her usually fluid, graceful moves were now uneven, staggering, sloppy. The boy pushed his eyebrows together. This was unlike her. Having reached the couch, she sat down next to him. When she turned her head, she appeared as though she was surprised she even had a son. But then she smiled and her eyes lit up. She reached over to brush some hair out of her son's eyes. "Look at you reading. Such a smart boy." She began to fix his hair with clumsy fingers, cooing praises in a gentle tone._

_Tavros panicked. This wasn't like her. This wasn't like her at all. It scared him. He started to cry. What was going on with his mother? Why was she acknowledging him and complimenting him and why did she speak with slurred words and why wouldn't she stop._

_She pulled him close, wrapping her arms around him, and brushed her fingers through his dark hair._

"_Shoosh, baby, it's okay. I'm proud of you, baby, shh."_

_This wasn't his mother. He wanted to believe her kind words, he really did, but the constant verbal abuse she put him through day after day made it impossible for Tavros to believe those sweet, drunken words._

_She was never kind, never loving, never soothing. Her touch burned. He began sobbing. "Oh, Tavros, don't you know I love you? You're sweet and you're kind and just lovely and intelligent and you've got wisdom beyond your years."_

_Tavros did not understand. He wasn't sure if he wanted to. She wasn't like this. She didn't act like this. She was mean and hateful and conniving and a liar. And as messed up as it was, he just wanted things to go back to normal. He didn't understand why she was acting this way. He just wanted her to go back to being normal. Even if she made him feel worse than anyone else ever could, without even trying. At least it would be status quo. He was used to her being a tyrant, not a loving mother._

After a long while, the brunette turned on his side and he could feel a stray tear run down his cheek. He was tired of thinkin about his mother. He wanted to think about all of the good things in his life. Like his job and his friends and that strangely charming man he had met earlier that night. He soon nodded off, drifting lazily into unconsciousness.

Gamzee heard his ringtone play as loudly as the phone allowed it to. He flipped it open.

"Yo, it's Gamzee. 'Sup?"

"I need your advice."

It was Karkat. He sounded like he hadn't gotten any sleep.

"What's going on, bro?"

There was a pause. "What do you know about guys?"

Gamzee stopped. He wasn't quite sure how to answer that. Mostly everything, he hoped, since he was a guy himself. Wasn't he? He pulled his boxers forward so he could check. Yes, yes he definitely was.

"Uh… where should I motherfucking start?"

"Don't be a smartass. I mean when it comes to dating. Or something. And not the shit you do where you prance around and ride everyone in town and everything's okay because you're all high as god damned helium balloons, I'm talking about a faithful fucking relationship."

"Hey, man, that's insulting. Every relationship I've been in, the other motherfucker understood it was an open one. They were at chill with it."

"Fine, yeah, okay, whatever."

"So who is it this time? Video game dude – that motherfucker is hard to beat, like he hacks his game or something. Or is it that angry blonde dude or the blue-eyed bro with glasses that's friends with angry blonde dude."

Karkat began to stutter. "I – does it even really matter? Look, just – _Fuck_!"

Gamzee heard a series of crashes along with a flood of nonsensical curses.

"Son of a god damned frog-fucking _hell_—" So he was okay. Good! Probably hurt, but still alive. The clown chuckled. Best friend said the strangest things when he was mad.

"You all right, man?"

"Son of a shit, _no_. My ankle, I…" He made a hissing sound, probably trying to put some weight on it. "I think I broke it."

Gamzee frowned. "Aw, I'm sorry, bro. That shit hurts, I know it. Broke my motherfucking arm once, that was pretty terrible for a while."

"You got an ass full of attention from all of your butt-licking peers, and you enjoyed every godforsaken minute of it."

He laughed. "Well yeah, that's true, brother."

The two had an unorthodox relationship. _One side hates and the other one loves, _he thought to himself. Although… no, that wasn't exactly right. Karkat had to get something out of their friendship or he would simply quit. He didn't like to play games, for the most part. If he did really only hate the clown, he would get fed up with him, tell him off, and storm out. So he did enjoy Gamzee's presence, even if he seemed to be shouting the entire time they were together. Gamzee was perfectly fine with that. He didn't know what was going on in the little guy's head, so who was he to judge? Besides, the motherfucker was cute when he got all romantic or flustered. It was a downright miracle. One of the many that life had to offer.

An impatient noise told Gamzee he had been spacing out again.

"Oh, sorry, man. Sometimes I just start thinking about how—"

"Don't you dare start talking about fucking miracles again, or Faygo—"

"Faygo is amazing."

"Jesus fucking Christ on rice," Karkat spat.

"Don't be blaspheming, bro."

"You're not even Christian, Catholic, Muslim, or Jewish, why the absolute hell would you care?"

"A motherfucker who holds respect for all religions, including those that aren't his own, is a happy one."

"Great, so you want me to become a Buddhist asshole monk or something? Fuck you and your religion."

"Haha, nah, Buddhists don't all up and worship asses, bro, they—"

"I swear to God, Makara, if you start preaching at me again—"

"Nah, dude, I won't. Just sayin'."

A door opened and closed on the other end of the line.

"What the literal flying _fuck_, Strider—" He sounded livid. A deep voice sounded, but was too far away from the phone for Gamzee to be able to hear what it was saying.

"Best friend, you all right? What's going on?"

"I've got to go."

The next thing he heard was the dial tone. He hoped everything was all right. Gamzee knew if Karkat was in a situation where he didn't want that other person there, he would not give up without a fight. He would kick and scream and curse and yell and fight back with everything he had. Still, the clown worried about his best friend from time to time. He was only a kid, just shy of eighteen, and still had a hard time controlling his emotions.

Gamzee flipped open his cell phone and quickly began typing.

_HeY mOtHeRfUcKeR, sOmEtHiNg WrOnG?_

Karkat replied almost instantaneously; he both read and typed more quickly than his best friend. Gamzee's phone buzzed three times.

_YEAH._

_EVERYTHING'S FINE._

_THANKS. I'LL CALL YOU WHEN EVERYTHING'S DONE._

Gamzee smiled. Karkat rarely thanked him unless the kid was being sarcastic.

No PrObLeM bRo :o)

Things must have taken a turn for the worse by the end of the day, because by the time Karkat called again, his voice was raw.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, of course." He was lying. "Can you just give me a ride to the bar tonight? Equius booked us for a while, and Sollux would be pissed if I came late. It's too late to walk right now, so."

"You sure you want to all up and motherfucking play tonight? I mean if you broke your ankle—"

"No, no it's just twisted. Can you please just drive me?"

Gamzee's voice softened. Something must be wrong for Karkat to be acting this way. "Yeah, man, anything you want."

If his best friend wanted to go and play, he wouldn't go against him. The heart wants what the heart wants. There's no denying it.

"Sure, bro. I won't ask."

Karkat's voice was soft. "Thanks, Gamzee."

"Just let me know if your motherfucking ankle starts bothering you too bad and I'll all up and drive you home."

"Yeah, that sounds great. You're the best."

There was definitely something up. It was like Karkat's personality had taken a 180-degree turn. He always got like this when he was sad; he was too tired to be Shouty McFussy. Poor little guy must have been crying hard. But it wasn't Gamzee's place to ask about it, so he hung up and secretly made a vow to watch out for him and maybe have a romcoms movie night, if he was up to it. If he wanted to talk about his feelings, he would. And Gamzee would let him. But if he prodded now, Karkat would only clam up. You can't force people into anything.

The clown glanced out the window. The sky was a beautiful darkened shade of blue. It mesmerized him. Well, everything did, but he honestly loved dark blue; it was one of his favorite colors along with purple and pink. He didn't snap out of his trance until his phone buzzed. He pulled it out and took his time reading the new message.

_D - I uh_

_D - Broke one of the stage lights_

_Oh No WhAt ThE mOtHeRfUcK hApPeNeD? _

_D - Nepeta was roughhousing in the fly loft_

_D - Fiddlesticks_

_D - Pardon my l100d language_

_HaHa. It'S fInE bRo._

_D - - Igsdjklflg ha snatched that damn beefcakes phone_

_howws it goin gam_

_I'm PrEtTy At ChIlL rIgHt NoW, bRoThEr._

_YoU?_

_runnin from eq the fuckin jerk_

Gamzee laughed at the mental image of his two older brothers running around the bar before they opened. It was exactly the same as when they were little kids in a small, grubby apartment. The two were dysfunctional from the start.

Gamzee wished he had somebody to chase. That would be fun.

Oh, he was late for picking up his best friend! Jeez, he had to stop spacing out so much.

The band was playing nicely. The missing stage light partially obscured Karkat and part of Terezi. No one could see the boy's face, which he was probably happy about.

The place was full that night. It was always full on all Saturday nights. All of them.

Before he knew it, Gamzee could smell perfume and picked up a reddish blur from his peripheral vision. He looked up to see a pretty lady in a casual red dress with long, wavy hair.

"Hello. Mind if I sit here?"

He gestured for her to sit down and introduced himself. "I'm Gamzee Makara."

"Nice to meet you." She sat, carefully smoothing out the skirt of her dress as she did so. "Aradia Megido."

"Sweet name."

"You too."

They were silent for a while, until something clicked in the boy's mind. "Oh, hey, weren't you with that yellow guy earlier?"

Aradia furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. She paused, searching the man's face for any type of clue. "Yellow guy?"

"Y'know, that motherfucker who is always all up and playing video games at me and best friend? Wears black and slouches a lot. Doesn't rap but if he did, he'd be pretty fucking good at throwing down some sick fires."

"Sollux?"

He wasn't sure. He never was very good at names. Faces, hell yeah, but never names.

"Does he have flippy hair?" He gestured to his head about midway and twisted his wrist in an upwards motion, about where the other man's hair curved up.

"Yes he does."

"Sweet."

They chatted sporadically, but didn't exactly click. That was fine, though, because he could made her laugh. He loved to make people laugh, even if he had to use bad puns.

Tavros woke up early, a bit irritated that he wasn't able to get much sleep at all. When he saw the slip on paper on the table, his eyes lingered on it just a bit too long. He picked it up, glanced unseeing at the number, and tenderly shoved it into his pocket on his way to work.

After work, all Tavros wanted to do was unwind and veg out. However, it was apparent something was unwilling to let that happen.

Vriska invited herself in, slamming the door behind her after she entered. "Tavros!"

"Hey, Vriska." He almost panicked when he realized she was fighting to catch her breath. Had she run all the way over here? "Um. What's going on?"

"Tonight. The bar. Tav, Kanaya is. I need to—" She took a deep breath and continued. "You're coming with me tonight again."

Tavros must have been making a face, because she sighed deeply. "Where you hooked up with that sexy clown guy."

The brunette blushed red. "Um. That's not right. I didn't hook up with him. I needed a ride home because you left without me."

"Oh, a _ride_ home." She winked.

Tavros sputtered. "A _car ride_ home."

Vriska grinned evilly. "You're not making this any better for yourself, Tavros."

The brunette knew if he continued trying to defend himself, he would only end up making his face burn hotter. He dropped the subject.

While they were in the car, Tavros began to panic slightly. Not only because Vriska was driving a bit too fast and recklessly, but because he wasn't sure how to feel about the man he met the other night. Was he supposed to be this attracted to him? The brunette could feel his skin warm and decided not to think about it too much if he could help it. He wondered if he could somehow back out of this situation.

"Vriska, why are you so eager to go again?"

"I _told _you, Tav: Kanaya is going to be there."

So that was why she wanted to go so badly. Vriska had done something in a fit of rage (she wouldn't tell anyone what) and Kanaya had broken up with her. Vriska constructed a fancy scheme to convince her to take her back. However, before the plan had a chance to come to fruition, Kanaya had found a new love. Now Vriska tried to get her to come back any way she could.

Tavros wondered if the Maryam girl had gotten sick of Vriska by now. He remembered a time where she had a crush on him and shuddered. Not because the raven-haired girl was unattractive – she was one of the most attractive girls he knew – but because she had showered him with attention and tried to drag him to dangerous events in order to impress him. It was the most terrifying week of his life. He was lucky he didn't have broken ribs by the end of it.

Tavros remembered the man he had met the day before and panicked a bit. Did the other expect him to call straight away? Would they see each other again? And if they did, would there be an air of discomfort about them? The brunette sighed, a bit irritated. Uncertainty made him terribly nervous, and anxiety caused him to be slightly on-edge. He kind of just wanted the night to be over.

Gamzee found himself watching people filter in, searching for a particular face. He wasn't sure exactly why; the guy hadn't even called. Wait, had he? The clown checked his phone, then put it back into his pocket. No missed calls. Not even a new text message. He stopped for a moment to ponder: Why did he even care anyways? Ah, well. He didn't have the answer then, but he figured he would soon. Life is a funny thing sometimes, he told himself.

Aradia must have noticed his gaze lingering on the entryway.

"Expecting somebody?"

Gamzee turned his head to look at her, feeling his heart jump for some odd reason. He couldn't keep himself from smirking. "Yeah. Kind of."

The man could sense his face brighten when he saw that familiar mohawk, a bit of hair falling messily into the young man's eyes. "Hey, bro! Just the motherfucker I wanted to see."

The guy looked lost for a moment. He turned to his friend for advice, but she took off as though she had forgotten he was there. He walked tentatively, almost guiltily, over to Gamzee.

"You never called me," he said in a half-serious tone, grinning. He was happy that they were in the same place again. He was a hell of a lot of fun to talk to. The other blushed and looked embarrassed. Man, he was cute. Like, hella cute.

"I, uh. Thought you had to wait three days before calling."

Gamzee couldn't resist. He couldn't. This guy was too precious not to stand up and give him a great big bear hug. His heart fluttered when the other hugged him back.

"So, how are you, Gamzee?"

"Pretty good. Tav…" Crap. He was terrible with names. He was sure it had an 'O' in it. "…bro."

The brunette giggled. "Tavros."

"Hot _damn _you have a nice motherfucking smile."

Tavros looked down at his shoes, unable to stop smiling, and his tanned cheeks were tinted red. Gamzee thought his heart would burst from how adorable it was. Maybe it was possible to faint from it. He simply stared, enraptured in the image of the brunette shifting nervously from foot to foot. That is, until Tavros stopped smiling, tried to ignore his gaze, looking around at various objects, and smiled again sheepishly.

"Sorry. Am I all up and making you uncomfortable, man?"

"Uh. No, well kind of, but not really. It's all right, um." He looked over at the small stage. "You said your friend was in the band?"

Shit, Tavros had a good memory. He had forgotten all about the band. He forgot about a lot of things on a regular basis. But Tavros was on the ball, remembering everything like a pro.

"Yeah, man. His name is Karkat. He's a pretty sweet bro."

"Oh, uh. Terezi's in that band too, isn't she?"

Gamzee had to think for a minute. "Best friend said something about her a while ago. I wonder what all up and happened at them?"

Tavros shrugged, indicating he didn't know.

Soon, the band reached a point where they needed to rest and that yellow guy came to the front, telling everyone they would hold an intermission before resuming their performance. Tavros rubbed at the area where his flesh met the prosthetic legs. They were starting to act up again. He never could stand or walk for very long. Aradia noticed this action and immediately stood.

"Do you need a seat? I was going to talk to Sollux anyway."

"Oh. Thank you."

"No problem."

And with that she walked off with the stride of someone with both fierce determination and grace.

"Tavros!" came a voice that held the 'a' in his name for a bit too long. "I was busting my hump looking for you all over and here you are again with this guy."

Vriska took the open seat and glanced over at Gamzee with a look in her eye that the man could not recognize and said with a wink, "I knew he had a thing for you."

Tavros sputtered indignantly before regaining his composure and apologizing for her because it was just her personality and that he wasn't into him, at least not that way, not that he would mind hanging out sometime.

"Well, in that case," Gamzee leaned forward and took Tavros' hand, smiling. It wasn't flirtatious or seductive, just… happy. Innocently happy. Like all he wanted was one thing in the world.

"How about a motherfucking date, bro?"

Tavros could feel his face turn red. It took him a couple of seconds before he could stutter out an understandable response. He looked nervously from Vriska to the wall to Gamzee. "I… uh. No."

As the brunette made his way out of the bar, somewhat dazed – or maybe panicked – Gamzee could feel his grin fall.

"Ouch. Tough break."

"Yeah."

And with his smile fell his heart, too.


End file.
